Hey Diddle Diddle
by balefullbrowneyes
Summary: Sirius recalls his relationship with Remus ie : the ups and downs.RLSB slash.light smut.drug reference, cutting reference, smoking reference.


**AN: **Hello lovelies. Here's my first go at a serious (Sirius) fanfic and the long chap I've ever written. Hope you enjoy! (Not that it'll really change anything, but still…)

**Disclaimer: **um….. Ger. Oh look, a distraction (authoress takes off at a mad gallop in the other direction).

**Hey Diddle Diddle Diddle, the Cat Broke the Fiddle, the Dog Flew Over the Moon- Chapter one : Broken**

You can gnaw your nails until they bleed. You can bite your wrists until they bruise. You can slice into your arms until there isn't any skin left.

None of this takes away the pain.

You can smoke until you're ready to pass out. You can get so high you don't know were you are. Sometimes you can get so drunk that you don't know _who_ you are.

These things won't let you forget, forever.

These things won't take off the edge, in the long run.

These things won't make you friends, permanent ones anyways

These things won't get him back again.

You'll still have that constant ache. You'll still have to hide behind smiles. You'll still have to move on…but these things, these indescribably horrible things- they might make you feel whole again, if only for a second, if only for a glance. They may, just may, let you be you again.

At this point what could they hurt? (Just everything really)

…………………

Leaning back against James Potter, heavily lidded eyes barely open, Sirius Black let out a long stream of smoke past his lips. James shifted slightly to accommodate him and Sirius grinned, realizing that he was squashing his friend's left foot. To make matters deliciously worse, Sirius threw his arms behind him, encircling James's knees. This brought on a new round of wiggling from James, making Sirius wonder how far he could push the scruffy boy.

Just then the portrait hole swung upon to cough up Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, both of whom were singing at the top of their voices and clutching chocolate bars. They had their arms about one another's waist and were heavily leaning on each other's shoulders. Glancing up, James winced. This was the reason he had convinced Sirius to stay in the room today.

The two lighter haired boys sat on their four poster beds and began chatting about their day thus far, quickly discarding the chocolate somewhere amid the bed hangings.

"And then that bird came up to you and asked you if you'd have a go at a study date with her!"

"Then Minnie said she was going to ban anything resembling PDA, even if it was just a little "friendly hugging."

"Oh yeah and then that Huffelpuff first year kept asking if you were single or not."

"Ah, but the crowning moment in the day was when we had them convinced that we were a couple. Wasn't that funny as hell? Then of course we had to convince them we were straight and snog those poor bints, but really, what a day!" finished Peter, a flush with his supposed victory.

He was met with blanks stares.

"You should have been there Pads, you'd a had all the girls after you! No, no wait. It would have been a laugh if we could have made them believe that the great Sirius Black was gay! Man, that would have thrown everyone off, woulnit?" This time instead of a blank stare Sirius got up and gingerly limped to the portrait hole. After a pregnant pause he opened it and left, gently sliding it closed after he was done.

The room seemed empty without Sirius in it. James felt very cold when he didn't have a shaggy haired blanket to warm him. Peter was simply confused. He had no clue as to why Black, who was more often that not the life of the party, would just get up and leave.

Remus stared at his nails in apparent oblivion.

While the rest of the room was trying to get its bearings straight, Remus stood up and walked over to the bathroom, humming a cracked tune.

………………………….

Sirius had been staring at the same patch of grass for thirty-one minutes and sixteen seconds. He knew this for a fact because he had his eyes voraciously glued to the watch that his brother had given him. Reg could be a prat but he stuck by you when it really mattered.

Because, when Sirius thought about it, sticking by someone was the most important thing that you could do. Sirius figured that if he didn't let go of people, that if he showed that the unwavering love he had for them, that maybe, just maybe they might feel the same way one day.

Letting go was a cowardly thing to do. Weakness was evident when you gave up on a person, weakness and a lack of love for yourself. That was his life though wasn't it? His mother, his father, half of his teachers, most of his girlfriends…they had all let go, stopped waiting. Sirius' only constant was his friends, and then, because he was Sirius fucking Black, he had to go and mar that too.

He was just tired, oh so tired now. The animagus didn't know how much more he could take.

Surrounded by love and folly, engulfed by laughter and death. Hurt when it mattered and left alone when he didn't care.

Numb. Just numb.

Sirius Black, one of the most beautifully broken sights anyone could ever see, closed his eyes and sunk back into the ground. He gave in to the ache; let his mind once again go through that roller coaster of events.

……………………..

"Rem…its not that I don't trust you its just, this is so hard…so fucking hard Remus," Sirius' voice broke on the last word and he looked up, meeting the werewolf's gaze.

"I really want to tell you I do," he said, his pained expression giving credibility to his words. "But I don't want things to go wrong. They always go wrong Moons, always." The lovely black haired boy stopped, at a lost as to how to further explain himself.

The golden boy cocked his head to one side, slowly raising one eyebrow. "I think that if you really trusted me you could tell me," he said, his voice soft and comforting. "I thought that we were beyond secrets Pads. I thought that I was one of your best friends, that you could tell me anything. I really want you to be able to tell me anything." He finished with a small encouraging smile in the distraught boys direction.

"I, ..I. Well you. And then there's," began Sirius, stuttering like a fool. He tightly closed his eyes and tried to reason his way thru the next few moments. "You know that you have pink socks on right?" he muttered.

"Come on Pads! I know you're just trying to distract me. Really, if you like a bird that much just tell me. I haven't ever seen you like this before so she must be special. Who is she?" pushed Remus, trying valiantly to keep the conversation on track.

"What if I told you it wasn't a bird?" asked Sirius tentatively, in a soft voice.

"O-Kay. So it's a bloke. That doesn't really change anything. I mean, you can still tell me, right?" said Remus after a moment.

Gathering up every once of courage that he had ever possessed, Sirius began. "Remus…Remus this bloke I like. What if I'm friends with him?"

"I can't see why that would be a problem Siri. I'm pretty sure that the friend wouldn't freak out. I mean really, if he's your friend he's probably used to some pretty weird shit. Not that how you feel is weird or anything. It'll just be new to them" finished Remus rather lamely, not sure whether or not he had insulted Sirius.

"Ok. Ok. I think I can do this," Sirius shook his mane of hair out of his face, stared Remus right in the eyes and said one sentence that would forever change them both.

"Remus, I love you."

…………………………

Lying on the grass with his eyes closed Sirius grimaced, thinking about the painful months after his confession.

Remus had reacted in the predictable way. The overused line, 'I love you, but just as a friend,' was implemented in the following conversation and Sirius had shut down until Remus walked away.

Their friendship, on the surface, remained exactly the same. You could even say it got better, Sirius thought bitterly. They didn't talk about the feelings that Sirius apparently harboured for Remus, and after awhile they could finally be comfortable around each other again.

Yet again, not everything is as it seems. Sirius wasn't ok; he wasn't surviving this episode so well. In fact, he was in the worst state he had ever been in.

The reason for Sirius' inner demise was the fact that Remus had also discovered that he liked blokes…just not Sirius. Remus still thought that it was ok to tell Sirius all about a hot guy he had seen, or a sweet boy he fancied.

Sirius felt as if he was being eaten from the inside out. He couldn't play the role of best friend without shutting away a part of himself.

Then came the day that Sirius childhood pocket knife, so often used in play was used to cut into his own skin. Sirius Black found a release, a way to cope. Sirius Black, possibly one of the bravest people you could find, became a slave to fear. Because when he wasn't hurting himself, when he wasn't blaming himself for the pain he felt… he had to come back to reality and realize that the pain was being dealt to him by the one that he loved.

Remus would sigh over Sirius' arms, lightly smack him and make him promise not to do it again. Sirius felt justified in breaking those promises. After all, wasn't Remus the one to blame?

Soon it all became too much; the cutting, the lying, the hurt. So Sirius decided to talk to Remus about it. That day another piece of the story fell into place.

…………………………………………………….

He had his mind set. He was going to tell Remus how this pretend friendship made him feel, and then he was going to set down some rules.

Of course, when Sirius Black makes a plan it never actually works out. The second that Remus figured out what he was talking about he switched topics. Sirius narrowed his eyes but allowed it because Moony almost never shirked a conversation.

The topic that Remus brought up in lieu of Sirius' really threw the animagus off.

"Hey Sirius. I think I have a crush on someone."

Widening his eyes and trying his hardest not to break down, Sirius politely nodded then went thru the traditional asking of who. Who is she? Do I know her? Is she pretty? What year is she in? She does go to school with us right?

Remus' one answer almost made Sirius sick.

"It's a bloke Siri. I like a bloke."

"O well hmm. Let's see. Same questions apply I guess," said Sirius, smiling weakly.

"Their named after something famous," Remus threw out a hint, "and they have an odd alter ego."

Sirius heart began to beat a little bit faster. It wasn't possible that, well Sirius was named after, and he did turn into….but no, it couldn't be could it.

"Oh really, well that sounds really nice Moony. You should ask your bloke to Hogsmeade or somen." Sirius was done with this conversation. He was just going to congratulate Remus a bit more and then he was going to walk off to his four poster and have a sulk. He was in the process of doing the later when Remus came up to him and grabbed his shoulder, and exasperated look on his face.

"Don't you won't to know who it is?" he said, an expectant gleam in his eye.

"Yes," said Sirius with fake enthusiasm. He then proceeded to probe Remus for the name with mock interest, seeing that this was his job as best friend.

After a few more torturous moments for Sirius Remus finally, with an exasperated sigh, said the one thing that could have caught Sirius' attention.

"Sirius, it's you I think I like."

……………………………………

Sirius smiled a little, remembering how happy he had been in the days that had followed. When Moony had told him that, that one tiny almost inconsequential sentence, it had felt like fire works had gone off in his stomach. Sirius had been so happy that he had nearly cried.

Now, just because Remus had admitted an interest in Sirius didn't mean that they were suddenly a couple. Sirius nearly laughed when he recalled the rebukes that an over eager puppy had gotten on several occasions.

Apparently the public couldn't know. Apparently their friends couldn't know. Apparently Remus didn't believe in "labels".

Sirius really should have known then.

…………………………………..

Even after Remus' confession there had still been a strict no touching policy. That is until a day over break when Remus came to stay with Sirius.

That particular day had been strange all around. There was just this quality to it, this indefinable sense of fate that hung in the air.

When it came time to go to bed Sirius gallantly offered Remus the bed and took to the couch. He was surprised to hear Remus say that they would both fit into the bed.

The following night had made Sirius grow up emotionally. He felt things he had never felt before; he wanted to please in a way that had previously never seemed enjoyable.

He was head over heels for Moony and he could finally show the boy that.

……………………………….

The months that followed quickly become a whirlwind to the dark puppy. He could only recall snatches; solitary moments that he felt with a startling clarity.

"Moony I love you."

"I love you too Padfoot."

"Your hair, it's just so beautiful. Not in the girly way either, just in the…I dunno, in the Sirius way I guess."

"I love the way your eyes melt into brown chocolate when we're kissing Rem."

"Wait, why are you watching me when we're kissing? Isn't that kinda weird?"

"No, no matter how much you bribe me I refuse to take on the last name of Mr. Lovely Happy Pants."

"But think about it Rem. You walk into a restaurant…. A table for two for Mr. Lovely Happy Pants. Wouldn't that just be a great laugh?"

"Sometimes I really wonder why I'm with you."

"Isn't it kind of weird how we fit exactly together Moony?"

"I actually think it's quite wonderful."

When Sirius thought about them now he couldn't help but feel warm inside. No matter what had happened afterwards he would always have those months.

……………………………………

The time he spent with Remus had acquired a bitter tang. He hadn't really noticed when it had started happening, and he sure as hell couldn't say why, but the things he did wasn't met with the same love that it had previously been.

More often than not Remus would scold him or rolls his eyes at one of the puppy's antics instead of laughing like he had before. The most disheartening thing though was the arguments, the fights.

"Why won't you share anything with me? Why don't you trust me? I can't be there for you if you push me out every time Moony!"

"I can deal with it by myself ok? If it was important I would tell you."

"That's just it. I don't think you would."

This was a recurring argument, one that never seemed to be settled. Sirius would usually just bow his head and try to accept the fact that this was the way Moony, his Moony, was.

"I don't always want to be kissing you know! Didn't we used to do other things besides kissing? Why do you feel this need to touch me all the time?"

Sirius' response was almost always the same. "I just like being near you Remus. It just reminds me that your mine."

"I'm not really _yours _Sirius. I'm still a person you know."

Even though they bickered, even though they ceased speaking to each other for a couple of hours, they always made up in the end. One or the other would admit his stupidity, his oversensitivity. They loved each other. They could make it through, right?

This was the mantra that Sirius followed anyway. That is until the day that Remus completely blindsided him.

……………………………

Remus had gone to Peter's house for the weekend and Sirius was anxious the whole time, impatiently waiting for the werewolf to come home. He shrugged off every attempt James made to entertain him and moped instead. He _needed_ Remus to come back home to him.

The morning Pete and Remus arrived back finally came and Sirius was probably the most restless person in the whole castle. He just sat on his four poster, staring at the door, itching for Rem to come in.

The second Moony's head peaked into the room Sirius bounded off his bed, already halfway to the door. He stood there waiting, grinning like mad, searching Remus face.

"Hi," he greeted rather breathlessly. "How was your weekend?"

For some reason Remus wasn't really looking at him, and when the werewolf began to speak his voice wasn't at all right.

"I had a good weekend. I thought about a lot of things. I decided some stuff."

Sirius' eyes tightened and he could feel himself getting sick. What was Moony going on about? What had Sirius done wrong?

"I talked to Peter and some other people and…um, yeah. You know. It's wrong. It's unclean," Remus' voice had a careful quality to it as if he had pre-thought what he was saying.

"What are you, what does this..." trailed off Sirius, attempting to keep breathing.

"You know what I mean Sirius. You know we can't do this." Maybe this was a joke, maybe he was in a bad mood, maybe oh god, oh no…Remus.

"Ok." That was all Sirius could manage to choke out. Ok ok ok ok okokokokokokokok. He could feel the tears begin, could sense that Remus was growing uncomfortable but all he could think was 'ok'.

"Do you want me to go? I can come back to unpack later," asked Remus, apparently unnerved by this display of emotion.

'Ok' thought Sirius, but all he did was nod. And when Remus left, silently closing the door, he sank down to the floor slowly rocking himself back and forth. He then tried to convince himself that he was ok. So he said it over and over. I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok.

Then he tried to stop sobbing. Sirius Black did not cry like a girl. So he began shouting instead. His voice grew hoarse and at some point the shouting lessened to whimpering, which was when James found him.

……………………….

In a trancelike state Sirius recalled how he had told James everything, and how James had seemed to fix it. Potter had given Sirius all of the proper responses and then he had promptly tried to distract him. James was probably the only reason that Sirius got through the night unscathed.

Well, nearly unscathed. Much to James' amusement Sirius got completely wasted. Supporting popular belief Sirius Black was indeed a happy drunk and James had a very interesting time sorting out his sentences.

"Aw Jamsies, have I told you how _bloody wonderful_ you are?"

"Yes Pads, three times already."

Then of course there was the span of time that Sirius had tried convincing James that everything was going to be alright.

"Shh shh shh shh James, Shh shh shh. Everything's going to be alright," he managed to slur out.

"If you say so Pads, if you say so," replied James, with just a hint of sadness.

………………………………….

Sirius lay back on the ground, knowing he should probably go back in. He knew that the trip he was taking down memory lane was doing him no good; to the contrary, he would most likely hate himself for it very soon. He couldn't stop this far in though, because at some point it had become a welcome pain, a pain that he didn't have to inflict upon himself. This was the way to let it go, not by cutting and not by smoking, he decided. He was going to slowly lose himself in the past and make a new Sirius, a better Sirius. He would commit the ultimate reformation, the ultimate suicide. He was leaving himself somewhere in the dark space.

……………………………..

It had to happen eventually. After all, they shared a room, they were best friends. It wasn't like they could just get on without each other. So they had the talk, the awkward after break-up discussion. That talk was one of the worst things to ever happen to Sirius.

"Err, so I just have a few questions for you. I'm just really confused about this whole thing. I mean, I get it if you don't want to answer me but I would like it if you did," Sirius said tentatively.

"Ok," responded a rather unenthused Remus, unconsciously reiterating Sirius previous plea for help.

"I just wanted to know why. You've told me you loved me so many times and I just can't get my mind around it. I couldn't _ever_ do this to someone I loved. I could never hurt them this way"

"Well," started Remus slowly, "I thought I loved you. And I do love you, but I love you like a friend. I love you like a best mate. I love you the way I love Peter or James. And really, I know youre hurting but isnt it better this way? Wouldnt you rather me have done this now than later on down the road?"

Sirius could only stare in mute horror at the boy in front of him. Was Moony being honest? Did he truly not love him? Was Sirius the lone freak yet again?

"So...you lied to me. All those times, curled around eachother, after everything we've been through and done, you were _lying_ to me. How could you do that to me, Rem?" He said softly, voice dripping with pain.

"I didnt lie Sirius. I was just trying to figure it all out. I didnt know if what I felt passes the lines of brotherly affections or not, so I tried it out. Im just a kid Sirius. You cant have really expected a life long commit from me." Sirius hated the defensive look that had come over Remus' face, he hated it because he was the one who put it there.

"Just... just be sure next time, ok?" That was all Sirius could manage in a reply, the last thing he could say before his throat tightened beyond belief.

...

And that was what had brought him to this point, this morose lounge upon the grass. After everything that had happened Sirius was finding it just a tad difficult to let it go, becasue really, who ever pegged Sirius for the layed back sort in the first place?

Who ever pegged Sirius for the loving type in the first place? But thats what he was, wasnt it? That wass why it hurt so much, why the pain nearly crippled him on occasion. He was the loving sort, and it was his current downfall.

He was begining to feel it again, he was starting to sink back into that great black pit. He needed a distraction, he needed some pain. He needed his knife.

Instead he reached up to tug on his hair harshly, mouthing his pain out wordlessly. When that didnt work he began to pinch the undersides of his wrist, futiley searching for a means of realese.

It wasnt working. This time he would just have to let it wash over him. This time he couldnt escape to a hazier world.

So he finally let himself do the one thing he had been holding off on all night; Sirius Black cried. It was a silent affair, no more great heaving sobs would do for the dark man. No, he merely let his throat burn for a moment, his eyes leak for a second. Then he slowly rolled to his side and buried his head in his arms. The only one to comfort him tonight was himself.

That is until a certain someones prescence became known. The moment that Sirius smelled him he rolled flat, staring aimlessly into the sky.

"Yes? Something you need Moons?"

"No, theres something I need to tell you," replied the werewolf in a weak voice. He dropped down besides the stiff animagus reached out for his hand. Entertwining their fingers he said," I just wanted you to know that you'll always be my best friend."

Sirius let himself revel in Remus' warmth for a moment then he shot back to reality. 'I shouldnt be doing this to myself' he thought. Shaking off the slighter boys hand Sirius stood up.

"You know, I have plently of best friends Remus. I'm really kind of needing something more at the moment." With that he stalked off in the direction of the castle, leaving behind a very pissed of werewolf.

**AN:** Stage one complete! Oh, please don't hurt me for being so mean to the puppies. It was needed...and at times fun (ducks the furniture being thrown at her) Second Installment whenever I get some sleep.

P.S-- Much much much thanks to cynicallyxsane, my wonderfull beta, who waded through this story at twelve in the morning for me. You're the best!


End file.
